It Takes Two To Make A Marriage Work

It Takes Two To Make A Marriage Work

Chances are if you ask a man why he doesn’t show more love to his wife, he would say: “I will love her more when she respects me more.”

And if you ask a woman why she doesn’t respect her husband she may say: “I will respect him more when he loves me more.”
...
The fact is it takes two people to make a marriage work. The husband has to show his love to his wife in order to gain her respect. And the wife has to show her respect to her husband to gain his love.

This love and respect also plays out in sexual relations between husband and wife as I explain in “The Ultimate Muslim Sex Guide.” Men are turned on by women who respect them and women are turned on by men who love them.

My advice to you, if you are already married, is to begin showing your spouse more love and respect.

Brothers, whatever stage of marriage you’re in, show your wife that you love her.
•Kiss her more often; not just when you want sex.
•Buy her little gifts for no reason at all.
•Just tell her you love her and why you love her and tell it from your heart.

If you do this, you will see your relationship with your wife grow to unprecedented levels. Your wife will begin to treat you like the great man she always wanted to marry.

Sisters, the same for you. Whatever stage of marriage you’re in, show your husband that you respect him.
•Obey him without question when he asks for something within reason.
•Let him be the man; do not shout at him or belittle him.
•Ask his opinion and advice about things in your daily life.

When you do this, you will see your husband’s love for you begin to overflow. He will want to love you and protect you and make you happy in any way he can.

For those of you who are not married, please take this advice and keep it in the back of your mind. It’s very easy to lose love and respect for your spouse after the honeymoon is over.

But try with everything you’ve got to give love and respect and, Inshallah, you’ll get so much more back in return.

THE IDEAL MUSLIM HUSBAND

Most Muslim men would like to be ideal husbands. And most Muslim women would, no doubt, like to be married to one. But, for some reason, the men are not ideal husbands, and the women will almost surely admit that they didn't marry one. So, why the discrepancy between our sincere aspirations and reality? Is it an inability on the part of the man, an impossible goal; or is it perhaps that we do not even know what an ideal Muslim husband is?

Wrong Concept of an Ideal Husband:

A look at the matrimonial section of an Islamic magazine will quickly demonstrate that many Muslim men and women do not know what an ideal Muslim husband is. Muslim men looking for wives advertise themselves as doctors, engineers, and financially secure. Muslim women appear to be on the lookout for an established professional or more likely a handsome MD. Rarely do Muslim men and women even mention character, religious convictions, and attitudes as a priority. At most, they might be mentioned as a sidebar. It seems that many of us believe that a man is an ideal Muslim husband if he is handsome, makes a lot of money, and comes from an influential family. And the divorce rate among Muslims continues to rise.

Standard of Judging an Ideal Husband:

As Muslims, we must base our judgment on what makes an ideal Muslim husband on the guidance of Allah and the example of Prophet Muhammad, not on the standards of a TV sitcom, the culture in which we were born, or our own materialistic mentality.

First Characteristic of an Un-Ideal Husband:

HOT TEMPER

A major problem in some Muslim marriages unfortunately is the husband's hot temper and harsh behavior. Some even go so far as to abuse their wives. Dr. Quick gives a word of warning to these men who often come from cultures that teach them to be tough and macho. He says that there should be no violence between husband and wife and that Muslim men should not be the kind of tyrannical fathers whose children run away and hide when their father comes home. He says that we have to separate our non-Islamic cultures from Islam. The ideal Muslim husband will base his behavior on Islam, not on his Arab, American, or Pakistani culture.

Second Characteristic of an Un-Ideal Husband:

EGOISTIC

Another major problem in Muslim marriages is the husband's failure to consider his wife's opinions. In fact, the failure of the Muslim Ummah as a whole has to do with our failure in practicing the concept of Shura (consultation). People think that they are right and others are wrong. We will do much better if we consider the opinions of others and let them feel that they are a part of the decision-making process. Along the same lines, WE points out that if a woman makes a true (haqq) point, the husband should submit to it. He should in no way reject a point just because it comes from a woman. Demonstrating the huge difference between the way the Prophet (SAWS) dealt with his wives and the way Muslim men deal with their wives today.

Third Characteristic of an Un-Ideal Husband: 

UNHELPFULL

The failure to help in the house and to help with the raising of the children are well-known weaknesses of husbands. TheProphet Muhammad (SAWS) helped in the house, and Abdul Malik Mujahid says that a man cannot be an ideal Muslim husband, or even close to a good husband, if he leaves the responsibility of children completely to the mother. Khadija Haffagee tells the story of a father who took a three-month-old infant to pray with him and after the prayer did the 'tasbih" on the child's hand. This, she said, was training by the father. When we training our children, we should be careful not to raise sons with a double standard where they have no household responsibilities. If we do, they will likely grow up with the attitude that they don't need to do this kind of work --- that they are above it.

An Ideal Ex-Husband

Being an ideal Muslim husband, however, goes even farther than the marriage. Even after a divorce, a Muslim husband must strive to be the best ex-husband. A husband shouldn't be Mr. Kindness in marriage and then treat his wife badly in divorce, Dr. Quick says. He must divorce her in the best manner with good treatment.

Other Valuable Advises

An ideal Muslim husband has very little or nothing to do with the amount of money one has, physical beauty, or the prestige of one's job. Rather, it has to do with one's commitment to Allah, one's knowledge of and willingness to follow the guidance of Allah and the Prophet's example, and one's commitment to do righteousness even in difficult situations. The ideal Muslim husband should be humble, gentle, kind, considerate, caring, loving, open to good advice, willing to cooperate with others in the family rather than dictate rules, helpful in the house, involved in raising the children, and never abusive either physically or mentally.

No doubt, this is a very tall order. Becoming an ideal Muslim husband will certainly not be easy. It will take a jihad against 'jahiliyyah" thinking, selfishness, ego, vanity, anger, pride, and arrogance.

Want to increase the love in your marriage?

Surprise each other at times. This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage

Make special arrangements to spend time with your spouse away from the kids and the responsibilities of the house. Go away for even a couple of hours and reconnect.

The beautiful moments you see, the great halal love stories you hear about,

may increase your wish about that. nice special life of you with your halal love.. and Never forget,.. that.. "ALLAH hears the crowding whispers of your heart, sees those little tears that are trapped in your eyes and HE is always there for you!"

Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No one really knows what perfect love is until they get married.

No such thing as "perfect love", this "perfection" only exist in jannah, on earth everybody has faults, the perfection lies in being able to see past those faults and only focusing on the good... May Allah swt bless us all with a marriage that is pleasing to Him first

Marriage isn't about always being happy or "in love". Marriage is about choosing to still love that person and stay on the ride through the ups and downs.

Love a little more than what is necessary, work a little harder than what is required, be a little kinder than what is usual, give a little bit more than what you feel you can afford, stand in prayer a little longer than what you intended and be a little more patient than what you feel you can handle….it is that little extra effort sparked by sincerity in the heart that makes your ordinary self extraordinary.

~Pondasi Kokoh Rumah Tangga BAHAGIA~

Siapa yang tidak ingin rumah tangga yang BAHAGIA? Tetapi rumah tangga bukan hanya hubungan suami istri dan anak.  Bangunan  keluarga sebagai bagian dari bangunan bernama Ummat islam, yang membutuhkan pondasi yang kuat. Batu pertamanya adalah IMAN,....

Pernikahan yang bahagia tentu menjadi dambaan semua manusia. namun kebahagiaan itu harus diraih dengan kerja keras,  tidak bisa hanya ditunggu dengan berpangku tangan saja.  caranya, Anda perlu mengetahui apa saja yang dilakukan agar pernikahan anda bahagia dan kokoh. Ada beberapa prinsip-prinsip pernikahan yang kokoh dan bahagia.

FAITH. Alias IMAN.  Inilah dasar sebuah pernikahan muslim, yaitu kesamaan keyakinan. ISLAM adalah pedoman hidup bagi suami istri  muslim, yang menjadi bagian integral dari seluruh kehidupan ummat Islam. Kesamaan nilai-nilai kehidupan diantara suami istri akan memudahkan mereka berkomunikasi. Sesuatu yang tidak mudah didapat oleh mereka yang berbeda iman. Ikatan iman berperan sangat penting untuk mengembangkan hubungan cinta kasih sayang  diantara pasangan suami istri. Contohnya, Rosulullah SAW, pernah berkata, bila seorang suami memberi makan istrinya, maka dia mendapatkan bukan hanya pahala dari Allah, subhanallah wa ta'ala, tetapi bahkan Allah memperkokoh cinta kasih diantara mereka. Jadi, bila sepasang suami istri saling mengasihi, maka yang tengah lakukan adalah memperkokoh keimanan mereka juga.

FORGIVING.  Mudah memaafkan.  Salah satu sumber kebahagiaan suami istri adalah kemampuan mereka untuk saling  memaafkan, tanpa  menyimpan dendam satu sama lain, serta selalu berusaha untuk bersikap adil, terhadap satu sama lain.  Sudah wajar suami dan istri kadang-kadang berselisih paham atau bertengkar dan bahkan menyakiti hati satu sama lain. tantangannya adalah bagaimana mencegah konflik berkepanjangan.  Secepatnyalah saling meminta dan memberi maaf.  Ini akan lebih mudah, jika masing-masing saling berendah hati menyadari bahwa yang sempurna hanya Allah SWT. Dan bahwa jika Allah dapat mengampuni kesalahannya, mengapa kita tidak bisa memaafkan pasangan hidup kita?

FORGET.  Melupakan.  janganlah terus menerus mengingatkan suami / istri akan sikapnya yang mengecewakan atau menyakiti kita. Sikap itu menunjukan bahwa Anda belum dapat memaafkannya dengan ikhlas. Lupakan masa lalu yang membuat  Anda  tidak bahagia itu.  Jangan ungkit-ungkit lagi peristiwa lama yang menyakiti sebagai senjata untuk mencela suami/istri ketika terjadi perselisihan baru. Suami / Istri yang selalu mengungkit-ungkit kesalahan pasangannya akan terjerat kedalam keadaan konflik yang tidak ada hentinya dan menjadi korban dari perasaan dendam yang membuat hati menjadi keras.

FORBEARANCE. Sabar. Memang ini tidak mudah, tapi sabar menjadi kekuatan yang paling Dahsyat untuk bisa menciptakan kehidupan yang sehat lahir dan batin. Sikap sabar membuat kita bisa menjadi tawakal dan semakin mampu mendekatkan diri dengan Allah SWT. Kita menjadi mampu mengembangkan mekanisme di dalam diri untuk memberdayakan hidup kita guna menghadapi masa-masa sulit dalam hidup ini. Seperti firman Allah dalam surat al-asr : " Sesungguhnya manusia dalam keadaan merugi, kecuali mereka yang beriman dan beramal salih, serta saling mengingatkan untuk tetap berpegang pada kebenaran dan saling mengingatkan untuk tetap sabar."

FLEXIBLE. banyak pernikahan yang tidak bahagia hanya karena pasangan suami istri tidak bisa mengembangkan sikap fleksible dan lentur.  jangan berharap suami mampu merubah sikap dan perilakunya dalam waktu singkat kecuali bila dia memiliki kesadaran sendiri bahwa ada sikapnya yang salah dan harus diubah. Janganlah berharap bahwa pasangan kita mampu berperilaku persis sama dengan diri kita. Karena suami dan istri memiliki pribadi sendiri-sendiri lengkap dengan hal-hal yang disukai dan yang tidak disukai. Alangkah lebih baik bila kita bersikap saling menghormati asalkan sikap atau prinsip kita tidak bertentangan dengan islam. Sikap kaku dan tak mampu menerima perbedaan membuat suasana rumah tangga terus menerus tegang dan tidak nyaman bagi seluruh anggota keluarga.

FRIENDSHIP. Persahabatan. Yang terdiri dari tiga hal yaitu pertama, mengembangkan persahabatan dengan suami / istri. hubungan seperti ini lebih mampu menghadapi segala tekanan dari luar. melalui persahabatan, kita saling menghormati, menghargai, menerima dan menyayangi, meski kta juga memiliki perbedaan. prinsip ini yang harus ada dalam setiap pernikahan. Memang islam meletakkan suami sebagai pemimpin keluarga, tetapi status ini tidak menyebabkan suami merasa dia boleh bersikap egois seperti seorang tiran.

Kedua, persahabatan dengan mertua dan keluarga suami. kalau suami istri menganggap orang tua masing-masing hebat dari pada orang tua pasangannya, maka itu artinya mereka tengah menciptakan ketegangan dan kegelisahan didalam rumah tangga mereka sendiri. Lebih baik menerima kenyataan bahwa pasangan kita mungkin belum bisa menerima sepenuhnya. akrab dengan orang tua kita butuh waktu untuk itu. Selama mereka santun dan memuliakan orang tua kita, Alhamdulillah.

Ketiga, Persahabatan diluar keluarga.  Boleh-boleh saja mempunyai teman individual, tetapi akan lebih baik mendapatan teman yang pasangan suami istri juga.  sehingga semua dapat berinteraksi. Bila terjadi pertengkaran diantara teman,  maka janganlah tertengkaran itu terbawa-bawa ke dalam pernikahan anda.  Rasulullah menasehatai kita agar  menempatkan ketakutan kita hanya pada Allah semata,  Bukankah teman seharusnya menjadi sumber kebahagiaan bukan menjadi sumber kegelisahan?

FUN. bersenang-senanglah. Luangkanlah waktu hanya untuk berdua-duaan dan bersenang-senang. Tidak susah atau mahal untuk have fun dengan suami. Dengan sekedar jalan-jalan ditaman sudah bisa menjadi kesempatan bergembira berdua sambil menguatkan tali kasih sayang di antara anda dengan suami.

FAITHFUL. Setia. inilah pondasi yang tidak bisa ditawar-tawar lagi. Pelanggaran dari prinsip ini adalah sebuah penghianatan dari janji besar mitsaqan ghalizah yang dipikul suami istri saat mereka melaksanakan akad nikah. Allah memerintahkan kita untuk setia kepada pernikahan. Perselingkuhan adalah dosa besar.  Hati-hati dengan berbagai bentuk Perselingkuhan terselubung.  Misalnya bersahabat dengan lawan jenis yang melewati batas-batas syariah.

Sungguh akan sulit memulihkan hubungan suami dan istri yang telah ternodai oleh perselingkuhan. Cara lain dari bentuk ketidaksiaan terhadap suami / istri adalah melanggar kepercayaan yang telah diberikan oleh pasangannya. Bila suami / istri dianggap sudah melanggar kepercayaan yang sudah diberikan pasangannya,  maka hal ini sedikit demi sedikit akan merusak pernikahan anda.

FAIR.  Adil. Marah atau rasa tidak suka menimbulkan sikap tidak adil.

~MANDIRI Atasi Masalah Rumah Tangga~

Semaksimal mungkin berusahalah  atasi masalah suami istri sendiri, tentu dengan menahan diri, bersabar dan meminta pertolongan Allah SWT,

MENIKAH adalah langkah awal memasuki kehidupan. Riak gelombang pasti akan ada. Penyelesaiannya tergantung pada kemandirian dan kedewasaan masing-masing pihak. Ikatan pernikahan adalah sebuah ikatan yang sangat suci.  Hubungan suami dan istri yang terikat didalamnya didasari dengan mawwadah dan ramah ( cinta dan kasih sayang ). Namun landasan ini kerap terlupakan atau bahkan dikesampingkan, saat masing-masing pihak mengutamakan diri sendiri.

Konflik dalam pernikahan ada berbagai macam, yang berakhir dengan perceraian.  Dahulu ketika masa berpacaran, saling memuji, saling cinta,.. kini masing-masing berlomba membuka aib pasangan. padahal sebagaimana kehidupan, rumah tangga pun tidak lepas dari konflik. bahkan rosul juga pernah mengalami konflik dalam rumah tangganya. Entah karena kecemburuan para istri beliau atau karena tuntutan sang istri. Namun harus tetap diingat adalah   perselisihan antara suami istri sangatlah unik. Terkadang mencapai puncaknya, sampai seakan-akan bagi keduanya tidak menemukan jalan keluarnya, selain berkeputusan untuk bercerai.

Kenapa terkadang perselisihan ini terlihat UNIK? karena kadang-kadang ada perselisihan yang sangat besar tetapi kemudian mereda dan suami istri kembali mesra. Tetapi kadang riak dan gelombang ini pun akan menjadi lebih besar saat ada cmpur tangan dari orang ketiga. Misalnya orang tua, mertua dan kerabat. Padahal Allah telah mengingatkan kita untuk saling menutupi aib pasangan.

#  Ketika marah mulai muncul, berlindung kepada Allah dari syaitan yang terkutuk. Kalau anda berdiri saat mulai marah, segeralah duduk. Kalau sedang duduk maka berbaringlah. Atau bangkit dan berwudlu, lalu sholat sunah 2 rakaat. Lebih baik lagi ajak pasangan anda untuk shalat bersama.

# Belajar berlapang dada menerika kekuranngan dan kelemahan pasangan. Saat perselisihan biasanya pasangan lupa dengan kebaikan pasangannya. seperti sabda nabi :

"Janganlah seorang suami (mukmin) membenci perempuan (istrinya) mukminah, jika dia kurang menyukai salah satu perangainya, maka ia masih menyukai perangainya yang lain."

# Jangan membesar-besarkan masalah. Terkadang masalah yang ada  hanyalah masalah kecil... namun seperti api, jika disiram dengan minyak akan semakin  membesar. Karenanya jangan memendam atau menyimpan masalah, selesaikan segera dengan kepala dingin.

# Selesaikan masalah yang ada, tanpa  membuka masalah lama. Saat kita sudah sepakat untuk menyelaikan sebuah masalah, kita harus fokus pada masalah itu saja. Masalah yang lampau atau sudah lama jangan dibuka kembali.

# Berusaha saling mengalah. 

# Bersabar dan berdoa mohon pertolongan dari Allah SWT. Cobaan akan lebih terasa ringan, karena doa anda dan suami.

# Dan yang patut diingat adalah, meminta pendapat atau nasihat dari orang lain adalah jalan terakhir. Jika anda belum berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk menyelesaikan sendiri konflik rumah tangga anda, tetapi sudah meminta bantuan pihak luar, ibarat mengobati luka dengan sesuatu yang menyakitkan.

# Kemandirian anda menyelesaikan masalahdalam rumah tangga, akan memberikan anda kekuatan untuk mempertahankan cinta yang muncul karena Allah ada diantara anda dan suami.

~..... CERAI~

PERCERAIAN..!! Ini adalah kata yang paling sering mengisi berita-berita di media saat ini. Bukan hanya melanda pada pasangan muda yang masih labil tetapi juga melanda pasangan yang menjadi kehidupan berumah tangga melebihi jari tangan dan kaki kita.

Kata-kata perceraian adalah hal yang PALING PANTANG dipikirkan,  apalagi diucapkan oleh suami istri. Jika sudah memikirkan kata keramat ini, maka akan sering membuat kita jadi lepas kata dan mengingkarinya. Setiap pernikahan bukan akhir dari perjalan hidup sepasang insan, tetapi awal dari kehidupan lain, yaitu RUMAH TANGGA. Dan tidak ada kehidupan yang lepas dari ujian, begitu juga dengan pernikahan. Komitment yang diikat dengan dasar cinta dan kasih sayang ini bahkan mendapat goncangan yang paling berat. Anak,.. keuangan,.. orang ketiga, dsb.. kerap menjadi masalah bear dalam kehidupan rumah tangga.

Hilang Nilai Tradisional Keluarga.

Keluarga adalah sebuah komunitas dalam bentuk dunia kecil.  Ia merupakan akan tempat sebuah negara akan berkembang. Merupakan unit dasar masyarakat. Idealnya, yang menjadi iklimnya haruslah cinta dan yang menjadi tanahnya haruslah watak yang baik. Keluarga seharusnya menjadi tempat untuk mendapatkan ketentraman dan ketenangan. Jika kasih sayang yang lebih dominan, maka  tertanam rasa keyakinan dan kepercayaan, keikhlasan dan kepercayaan.  Semakin kukuh pegangan spiritual  dan moral dalam keluarga,   semakin besar kegembiraan dan kebahagiaan yang dirasakan anggota keluarganya.

Namun nyatanya sangatlah berbeda. Akibat dampak kemajuan jaman, semakin banyak nilai baik dalam keluarga yang dinilai ketinggalan zaman. Padahal kehilangan nilai-nilai yang baik itu akan ketinggalan zaman, karena akan membuat goyah pondasi keluarga.

Perbedaan antara suami dan istri bisa saja terjadi konflik kecil dan ketidak cocokan dianggap sebagai bukti bahwa keutuhan keluarga tidak dapat diperbaiki dan sebuah keluarga memang harus runtuh.

~15 ways to keep a marriage working:~

1. Worship Allah SWT together! A couple who prays together stays together!
Be imaginative on how you can worship together. Read Qur'an, listen to lectures, attend conferences. Anything that suits your lifestyle and marriage. 

2. Love Each 
This sounds obvious, but it’s the most important.Don’t be afraid to love your spouse, and tell them – often! 

3. Don’t Lie
Once you’re caught in a lie, it’s so much more difficult for your partner to continue trusting you.

4. Keep Communication Open
Don’t shy away from a conversation just because it may be something you don’t want to hear, you’ll have to face it eventually. Also, take time to talk to each other every day.

5. Stay Sweet
Continue to “woo” each other. Remember the little things you did for each other early in the relationship? Keep doing them.

6. When You Get Hurt, Just Forgive and Forget
I’m obviously referring to the “little things” here.

7. Never Talk About Break-Ups
This is a big no-no, unless you mean it. Do not use breaking up as a threat during arguments. It will really make your spouse feel insecure about the relationship.

8. Never Say It’s Okay Even When It’s Not
As rule #2 says, “Don’t Lie.” If something bothers you, you need to share why, and more than likely, your other half will adapt their behavior to make you feel more comfortable.

9. Forget About “Pride”
When you’re serious about someone, you need to leave your ego at the door. This may be especially hard for men, but you both need to accept that you’re not always right.

10. If You Say Sorry, Mean It
When an apology is necessary, you should mean it. Don’t say sorry if you don’t really feel sorry. In this case, you should discuss with your partner why you’re not, and try to understand each other’s views

11. Don’t Talk About Your Ex's (If you have them - divorce)
They’re all in the past for a reason.

12. It’s a Give-and-Take Process
Be prepared to compromise. But, also allow the other person to have their way, completely, and for you to have your way, completely, sometimes too.

13. . Be Aware of His or Her Feelings
Often think of your partner’s feelings. Consider how certain actions might make them feel and how you’d feel if they did the same. Basically, stay considerate and respectful of each other.

14. When You Have a Fight, Don’t Let the Day Pass
When you argue, don’t allow it to fester into the rest of the day. Do your best to fight clean, and end the argument quickly. If necessary, agree to disagree, but don’t spend the rest of your day angry at the other person. You're supposed to love him, remember?!?

15. Don’t Be the Perfect One, Be the Right One
No one is a perfect person. Instead of showering someone with presents, give them the gift of accepting them as they are. That’s how to be the right one.

Do you have any more tips? Share them with us!

JazakAllahukhair from http://www.PureMatrimony.com/

~Want Your Marriage To Last?~

Today’s world gives so much coverage to all of the ups and downs, break-ups and make-ups of the people we deem celebrities. All of this media coverage seems to tell us that it’s okay change partners with the seasons or to fall in love with someone new every time your job changes. Making a relationship last is work but I’m here to tell you that it is worth it.

I am a firm believer in healthy, loving, supportive relationships. I know that these relationships are the ones that last for the long haul and have partners that are happy and committed. If you want to strengthen the chances that your marriage is going to be around for many years to come here are some tips. Build these qualities into your relationship and you are off to an excellent start.

Mutual love, respect and acceptance

This should be a no brainer but unfortunately people are still marrying for reasons that have nothing to do with love. Yes, it is possible to grow to love someone even if that love is not present at the outset. However, it is important that love grows. Whether from the beginning or developed over time, love must be present for marriage to have the best chance. Genuine love is the best basis for respect and mutual respect is crucial for a happy marriage.  Love and respect acts as a safeguard helping both parties to think before they act:  how might this action be perceived and received by my sweetie? Love and respect reminds us that we don’t want to do anything that will hurt our beloved. Love and respect form the basis of effective communication, which we will touch on later.

Hand in hand with love and respect is genuine acceptance of who each partner is. I recently saw one of those picture quotes on Facebook that reminded us to fall in love with the person, not the person’s potential. This could not be truer. We are all works in progress. Hopefully we never stop growing and evolving. However, we are all also perfect in our imperfection. Our love for our partner should be because of who they are right now. I am loved for me: overweight, graying, opinionated, reformed control freak that I am and I give that right back to my husband. Is it possible for us to change? Absolutely. Is it a deal breaker if we don’t? Certainly not.

 True knowledge and acceptance of who your partner is defines real intimacy or into-me-you-see. It creates for both of you a level of safety that you will be hard pressed to find anywhere else.

Shared values

Your set of core values is what determines how you view the world around you. Your core values tell you whether a given event or set of circumstances is okay with you or not. Your core values are the reason that you meet some people and connect with them, while other people you just can‚ seem to do so. We all have a set of core values that we operate from; sometimes we are not really aware of what they might be. While your value set and your partner‚ do not have to be identical, they should have some correlation. The ones that are critical to both of you should be similar. At the very least you both should have similar values around fidelity, honesty, family. Whether or not they are important is not significant as long as you agree.

These shared values form another cornerstone in the foundation of your relationship. They will help prevent the kinds of conflicts that often tear relationships apart. If you have never thought about your values now is a good time. Get to know yours and your partner. Understanding each other‚ value sets can be a big help in understanding reactions to different situations or differing methods in problem solving.

Healthy boundaries
What are healthy boundaries? They are what tells you that enough is enough. They are the limits that YOU set on bad behavior. When someone crosses them likely the little hairs on the nape of your neck stand up or you get some other creepy feeling. You and your partner need to be familiar with each other‚ boundaries. Once familiar, you both also need to be respectful of them. If you have done the work in determining your value set, you should have some clues to where your boundaries are. Take a look at the values you have. Which would you consider to be deal breakers? These are things you absolutely won‚ tolerate. These are also good indicators of your boundaries. For me, honesty and respect are crucial. If you cross the boundary of honesty with me by lying it will forever change any relationship I have with you.

Having boundaries based on your value set is healthy. They help you set standards for acceptable behavior. It is likely that when shared or similar values exist between two partners, shared or similar values will exist also. Become familiar with and/or develop your own boundaries and work with your partner to do the same. Knowing and respecting each other‚ boundaries will add another layer of strength to your relationship.

Shared goals
Do you know what you want out of life? Where you see yourself in the next 5, 10, 20 years? What about your partner? Are your dreams of the future in alignment? If you are just starting out have you discussed things like children and child rearing? If you are already past that point, have you discussed your future together and how you plan to make it happen? Often couples just drift along assuming that with love these things will take care of themselves. Sometimes they do. However, all too often a couple finds themselves after a number of years at a place where they realize that their goals or vision for their relationship were vastly different.

Discussing your relationship vision helps you to find any differences and allows you to find ways to work through them so that the outcome is something you both can live with. Having this dialogue early allows you to resolve issues before they become a catalyst for conflict. Discuss your financial goals as well. It is well known that arguments over money can cause real damage in a relationship. These can be touchy issues to tackle, but it is so worth having the discussion to work them out before the emergency arises.

Remember that each of you is an individual as well. You will each have your own dreams and goals. Be as supportive of each other as possible. Allow each other the space and safety to grow and dream within your union.

Communication and conflict management
Now it is time to talk about communication and conflict management. Poor or ineffective communication and conflict management can undermine any other work that you do. Each of us has our own normal communication style, some of us are always witty or humorous, some slightly sarcastic, some very straightforward. These all have their place. However, in your core relationship, your marriage, you both want to develop a communication style that allows each of you to feel loved, heard and understood.

Safe and effective communication opens doors to finding common ground during conflict and to healing. I always encourage my clients to approach any serious discussion with their partner from a place of love and appreciation for their partner and the relationship itself. If you cannot do that in the moment it is best to take a break and come back to the discussion later. Trying to resolve conflict from the point of anger can often inflict lasting damage. Especially when conflict arises, it is crucial to approach from a “we win or we lose” perspective, not from “I win.”

In every conflict, there are two parties. Each should acknowledge their part in creating whatever situation is causing the conflict. Really listen to each other with an open heart. Express your truth keeping your love and respect for your partner in the forefront of your mind. Allow your partner to do the same. This will not always be easy to do, but I guarantee you it is worth the effort.

If you follow the tips above, your relationship should be rich and vibrant. You are building on a foundation of love, respect, and trust for each other. You will get to know each other in ways that others won’t know you. You will truly be each other’s best friend and champion. You are strengthening the bonds between you to create a lasting marriage.
By practicing effective and loving communication, you and your partner will always feel heard and understood. When conflict does arise, you will have effective tools for exploring and resolving it in ways that protect your relationship rather than add more damage.

All of these things should help give your marriage a firm foundation with deep roots that can withstand the ups and downs of life. If I can help in any way or you wish to dig deeper, contact me. Share your experiences, leave a comment below. I’d love to hear from you.

~10 Mistakes a Husband to wife~

 

Husband is reliant life of a wife ... the husband is friend, father, brother, leader, successor, motivator, ust, protector, educator to his wife and children in a family institution. husband is the best example and role model for wives and children, in order to birth a family in harmony and blessings of Allah Taala  ... In search of the bow to form themselves into a man who holds a pious husband ideal husband, let both our biological excerpts next.

Integrity of a household is influenced by the good leadership of a husband (as head of the family) in fostering family. Over again is ATTITUDE & behavior in hanging out with his wife. MAIN spouses as supporting a household, when the building was damaged household ... will collapse. This relationship was always supposed to be due in the case with respect to their rights and responsibilities of each. For a husband / wife should fulfill mutual obligations after that should get what he deserves.

If we look at the reality in society, 2 husbands attitudes which contradict each other in serving their wives, this is the attitude that needs to grab the attention if not equally cause problems that led to a divorce.

First, the husband who belittle his wife, who squandered their rights and perform a variety of errors associated with the right of his wife....

Second, let go of control over the wife's husband and set him free so alone (in the sense of the word. REMOVABLE HAND)
Allah says EMQ within: 34 is intended:
"Men are the leaders of women, because Allah has preferred some of them (men over others (women) and they (men) spend out of their property. Therefore, it is women who are pious, God is faithful anymore maintain themselves when her husband was not there, because God has kept (them). ladies do you fear disobedience, admonish them and then send them to their beds and beat them. then if they menaatimu, then do not seek - find the way for troubling. Verily Allah is Most High, Most Great "~
The following are 10 (ten) ERRORS husband is mostly done, all of which are divided in two mistaken attitudes above:
1. Religion does not teach the law to the wife and the LAW
* Many we find the wives do not know how to correct prayers, legal menstruation and childbirth, act / behave towards her husband is not Sharai & not educate children in Islam. Some even fall into various types of shirk. The concern of a wife just how to cook & serve certain foods, how to dress up pretty and so on. No other all because of the demands of her husband, while the problem RELIGION, especially his worship was never asked by the husband.
Yet God said that meant:
"O people - people who believe, keep yourself and your family from the fire whose fuel is men and stones, guardian angel - angel rough, hard & not disobey Allah in what are instructed that to them and always do what they're told "~ {Surah At Tahrim: 6}
Then the husband asked not to occasionally ignore it, because it will all be held accountable. Really ought to teach religion to his wife, by themselves or through intermediaries. Among other things to do; presented books about Islam and its laws and talking together, cassette or CD lectures, took his wife to attend a distinguished panel of SCIENCE delivered by people who are knowledgeable, etc. .. (the most practical .. invite prayer at home or congregational mosque for example).
2. Looking deficiencies and errors like wife
In a hadith narrated by Bukhari and Muslim, the Prophet Muhammad forbade men who travel for a long time, go home to their families at night, because it was feared would have various shortcomings wife and blamed his wife. Even husbands are asked to be patient and refrain from the shortcoming that there is his wife, also when the wife does not perform its obligations. For the husband also has shortcomings and reproaches as saying of the Prophet:
"Do not be a faithful husband who hates his wife were faithful. If she did not like her character, she certainly mengikhlaskan another character from her "~ {HR. Muslim}
3. Give punishment according to the error's wife. This includes forms of injustice to the wife, among others, namely:
(A) Using a punch in the early stages {letters refer penalty notice within QS An Nisa: 34}
(B) expel his wife from the truth without Sharai {Surah Ath THALAQ: 1}
(C) hitting the face, denounced and insulted
(D) And finally dared to Rate Domestic Violence (domestic violence) that the higher
In as-Sunan and al-Musnan of Mu'awiya ibn al-Qushayri Haidah bahawa he said: "O Messenger of Allah, whether RIGHTS wife over her husband? The Prophet SAW said
"You shall eat whatever you feed him, give him clothes if you get dressed, do not hit the face, not menjelek2kan and not beat up (boycott) except at the house" ~ {HR. Ibn Majah validated by Shaykh Albani}
4. Deceitful in giving maintenance to wife
"Mothers shall suckle their children for two full years, that is for those who want to improve penyusuannya. And the obligation to feed and clothe fathers to mothers in a way that ma'ruf. Someone not in overload but according to its ability levels. No mother because of her sufferings and a father for her child and thus obliged warispun. If they want to wean (before 2 yrs) with both pleasure and deliberation, there is no blame on either of them. And if you want your son disusukan by others, it is no sin for you if you give payment according to the worth. Bertaqwalah in Allah and know that Allah is All-Seer of what you do "~ {Surah Al Baqarah: 233}
RIGHT wife earns a living, because she had allowed her husband to her fun, she has to obey her husband, lived in his house, nurture and educate their children. And if the wife finds her husband's deceitful in giving a living, hunks, does not provide a living to him without any justification Sharai, then he should take possession of the husband to provide for its needs by doing good (no exaggeration) even without her husband's knowledge.
"If a Muslim put out a living for his family while he expects his reward, then living it is charity for him" ~ {HR muttafaq 'alaih}
5. Attitudes hard, rough, not soft on wife
Messenger of Allah said: "The most perfect believers are the most depraved kind. And the best - most of you are well on his wives' ~ {HR. at-Tirmidhi, validated by Shaykh Albani}
So the moral good husband to his wife ought to be gentle and avoid rude attitude.
6. Vanity husbands help their wives in household affairs
This is a mistake that most affects the husbands. Though most men MAIN ie Prophet Muhammad did not hesitate to always help his wife work.
When Aisha asked about what the Messenger of Allah in his house, he replied:
"He helped work his wife and when it comes time in prayer, then Beliaupun out to prayer" ~ {HR. Bukhari}
7. Secrets and disgrace his wife spreading
"Verily among the worst position in the sight of Allah on the Day of Judgment is the one who screwed his wife and his wife menggaulinya then he spread the secrets of his wife" ~ {HR. Muslim}
in this Hadith is forbidden for a man to spread what happened between him and especially his wife in bed. Also forbidden to mention the details, and what happened to his wife in the form of another word or deed.
8. Attitude in the rush to divorce wife
O noble husband,
Indeed the relationship between you and your wife is a strong relationship again EMQ holy {21} by karenanyaIslam think divorce is a big deal that should not be underestimated because the divorce will be dragged to the damage, chaotic balaunya children's education and so on. And the words should divorce / talaq was not used as a joke / toy. Because the Prophet has said:
"There are 3 things that seriousness and jokes equally seriously considered, namely: NIKAH, talaq (divorce) and REFER" ~ {HR. Abu Dawud, at-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah, rated "hasan" by Shaykh al-Albani}
Indeed, disputes between husband and wife often happens sometimes to lead to divorce. But divorce is not to be used as a first step in resolving this dispute. Even should try different ways to solve it, because it will most likely be a lot of regret later posed in the future ..
9. Polygamy without regard to the provisions of Shari'ah
Married for the second time, the third and fourth times is one of the things that are God syariatkan. But to note here that the majority of people who want to apply this law / have applied not noticed that not fulfill kewajipan attitude and responsibility towards his wife. Especially the first wife and her children.
"Then if you fear you will not be able to do justice, then (kawinlah) a course" ~ {Surah An Nisa: 3}
This attitude is JUSTICE Allah has commanded. It is true that polygamy is Islamic law, but if someone is not able to execute it properly and do not meet the terms or can not take the responsibility, it menjuruskan damage to a home, destroy the children and family issues and also adds to the community. Then fikirkanlah consequently his case and consider carefully before entering into it.
10. Weak jealousy
The husband let the elegance, beauty and beauty and his wife enjoyed exhibited by people crowded. He let his wife out of the house to show her nakedness while, let hang out with other men. Even some PROUD partly because it has a beautiful wife who may be enjoyed 'the view' most people. Whereas women in the eyes of Islam is being VERY noble, so beautiful and its beauty reserved only reserved for her husband alone or occasionally not di'jaja 'go-anywhere ..
A husband who has jealousy towards his wife would not let his wife shook hands with another man who is NOT a mahram.
"Inserted in the head of a man with an iron needle is better than he touched a woman who is not lawful for him" ~ {see the ash-Shahihah: 226}
A husband who has jealousy towards his wife, he will pay attention to the word of the Prophet Muhammad:
"Do not go to meet women" and an Ansar said, "O Messenger of Allah, what al-hamw (relatives of the husband)?" He said, "Al-hamwu is death" ~ {HR. Muttafaq'alaih}
Note also the threat of the Prophet Muhammad to the man who has no jealousy toward family (wife):
"Three groups that Allah SWT will not see them on the Day of Resurrection namely someone who disobedient to his parents, women who resemble men and ad-dayyuts" ~ {HR. An-Nasa'i rated 'hasan' by sheikh Albani, see ash-Shahihah: 674}
And ad-dayyuts (dayus) is MAN who has no jealousy toward his family.
May be useful for all of us .. God willing
Allaah knows bishaawwab