There is a hole inside of me. I don't know what is missing from it. I don't know what belongs there.
So I go through life, desperately and almost feverishly trying to shovel something into it, anything that might fill the hole that is there. But nothing does. Every single thing I do and every single thing I try, never makes it any better.
And I see everyone around me who seem like they have everything together, like they are somehow complete and I'm broken and tossed aside.
AGH, It's the most frustrating thing!
All the pain, all the hardships, all the crying, it paids off in time. There's no emotional feelings that would last a lifetime, I always tell that to myself.
Seeing how my three sons grows up the way they are right now, lovable, caring and God fearing little angel. My life will always be complete. They are my life now. I'm always there beside them, I'm working at home hole. All these I am doing all because of them.. To support their every need. To give their a great future a head, inspite of me being the only person to do that. Love you my darling three little angel.
Parenting is very hard as it is. Being a single parent is even harder when you have nobody else to rely on. Hopefully, one day My sons will appreciate what I am doing for Them. How do you truly know what hardships or obstacles you have to face, until you're facing them? Did I think about the hardships and obstacles? Yes, I did. Did I imagine it would be like this? No, I didn't because there is no way I could have grasped the extent of the situation having never been in the situation.
Some days I feel like walking out the door and never coming back again. And other days, I couldn't imagine my life without my child. I don't think I want anymore because I don't think I could deal with having to do this all over again. Most mothers will say, if they could change anything about their lives it wouldn't be having their child at such a young age. I will be honest, I would change that.
Because, They deserves better than what I can give to them now. They deserves a life with both parents who don't hate each other. They deserves to know that they came into this world when both parents loved each other and BOTH parents wanted him here. I know I am doing my best and I know, technically My children isn't missing out on the love of both parents and both sides of his family but I feel like they deserves better. Not money wise, not more toys, or more clothes... I am able to provide the necessities, I just...
I love my child more than anything in the world but some days if I could change his situation I would.